How Baby #40: I Don’t Know What’s Wrong
Let me take you to a dark place this week.
I’ve made it no secret I had a tough time adjusting to motherhood. I don’t handle stress or exhaustion well, I tend to shut down, and it was impairing my ability to bond with Momo. It was an awful, bleak few weeks, peppered with intrusive thoughts about escape, both the temporary and the very permanent. Long story short, I got the support I needed and eventually pulled out of it, hooray!
But everywhere I went during those first few weeks, everyone cooed over Momo and how perfectly perfect she was, and reminisced about how wonderful their babies were. So there I was, at the very end of my rope most days, and people were telling me that this was the best part, that it never got any better than this, and that I should be enjoying every second.
I felt like garbage. Like, literally the worst mother ever. Why couldn’t I cope? Everyone else seemed perfectly adjusted. If this was the best part, what was wrong with me?
If this is sounding familiar, I beg you to find help. It doesn’t have to be that way. And they’re right about one thing: it does go by fast, so if that’s the only thought that’s keeping you sane most days, that’s okay too. Stay strong and keep going. <3