How Baby

You know, I considered not posting this, because I’m pretty ashamed about it. Or, posting it with a bunch of self-serving caveats about how it wasn’t really that bad because x, y, z other healthy conversations I’ve had with Momo about body image, or whatever.

But, fuck it. I’ve struggled with body image and dysphoria by entire life, and I’ve been doing really good at kicking its ass, and I’ve been doing really good at instilling a healthy body image in Momo despite it. I really have! But sometimes something slips through, and that’s okay, because you can’t change a lifetime of damage overnight. Or even in a decade. Not completely. Sometimes we recognize our losses.

There’s a dozen other things I could have said: I don’t like the cut, I don’t like how boxy it is, I think the fabric is too stiff, I think I’m swimming in it, I think it’s too bulky… but I went for the shorthand. This makes me look big. Five words and a lifetime’s worth of making my body to blame for… poorly-made clothes and impossible standards.

I could feel the judgment radiating out from women in earshot: not only was I saying the quiet part loud, I was doing it in front of my daughter. I still feel kind of ill when I think about it. I hope that’s enough to keep those words from jumping out of my mouth in the future, because they don’t belong in anyone’s ears, including mine, but especially hers.

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CONVENTION UPDATE

My next convention is coming up real fast: Edmonton Expo, September 19-21! See you there at table A1004!

I’ve also added a new show to my dance card: The Penti-con, in Penticton, BC, October 18-19! It’s a smaller show I’ve never attended before, but I hear great things.

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TRANSCRIPT

Panel 1: Lindsay is trying on a sweater in a clothing aisle while Momo helpfully holds up the phone camera
Lindsay: Hold this up while I try this on?

Panel 2: Close-up of the phone screen, showing Lindsay and the shapeless gray sweater taking up most of the screen
Momo, off-panel: I like it.
Lindsay: Ugh. It makes me look big.

Panel 3: Pulled back to show the aisle and women staring over disapprovingly. Momo also disapproves. Everyone disliked that, including Lindsay. SHAME hangs in the air. Like, the literal word.