We’re at the age now where Momo can actually, like, invite her friends over to play (as opposed to me inviting other parents over and we put our kids in a room together, Thunderdome-style), which has opened up a whole new interesting realm of parenting anxieties.

I was a bullied kid, surprise surprise. And it’s hard to describe what it was like, being that it’s mercifully lost to the haze of time, but Momo having friends with… shall we say, strong personalities… is uncovering quite a few memories.

I’d forgotten how a child can make basically anything into an insult. It’s nonsensical. It’s like, you’re wearing a different colour of shirt, so suddenly that colour is uncool. Or anything, really. Louis CK has this bit where he turns a guy’s name into an insult just by saying it in that particularly grating childish tone of voice. And one of the main ways I was othered in school was by these subtle little jabs, disguised as questions. It pushes you out, makes you easier to bully.

So I’m sitting outside Momo’s room as her “friend” basically interrogates everything about Momo because she’s in a foul mood, and it’s like… what do I even do about this? Because I wanna storm in like a Valkyrie and tear a strip out of that girl for being a rude little shit, but ‘stop asking so many questions’ isn’t really an actionable lesson. I just see it coming, like a traumatic scene in a movie I’ve already watched.

OOOH, school is gonna be a battle.