How Baby

What’s the saying? Everyone who drives slower than you is an idiot, and everyone you drives faster than you is a maniac? I think it’s true for more than just driving – there’s a primal force that propels the animal brain, and that force is the irresistible pleasure of being correct.

It has an obvious manifestation in parenting spaces, which have an entropic tendency towards bitter in-fighting between ideological camps both serious and small.

But… okay, bear with me on this one… I’ve noticed it in the other direction, too. It’s more insidious because it looks benign, even friendly, helpful: telling someone to chill out, calm down, they’re doing fine… why are you panicking so much? It happens to everyone. It requires a level of public self-flagellation on the part of the subject – they must be repentant, they must bare their anxieties, they must ask for reassurance, even absolution. Then they can be forgiven for their parenting sins. They can be given the highest accolade: you’re a good mom.

I didn’t notice it myself, until I started seeing what happens when someone flips the script and comes in already at ease, accepting their mistakes, without anxiety… people get vicious! That is pride, and complacency, and that is not allowed. No one should feel better than you! That person doesn’t care as much as you do! Your response would be the correct one!

Reassuring moms that they are, in fact, human, is important. Most mistakes, even huge ones, potentially dangerous ones, turn out fine, thank goodness – I’ve had my share. But it’s sad that this seductive compulsion we have to be right has created this dynamic where the only way to get unconditional support is to look unsure, anxious, and inept so that other people get their dopamine hit from comforting you. When you actually take their words to heart and get confident, you get pulled back into the crab bucket again – but it’s okay! Be free to be confident! If you’re a mom, you’re probably already a good one – and it’s okay to think so, even if it makes other people mad!

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It’s an Easter egg! Longtime readers – or just those who know Motherlover’s backstory – might recognize the two moms in this comic from #237: Insecurities, the strip that soft-launched Motherlover in the ‘they should kiss’ heard around the world. I dusted off their old designs because… Motherlover comes out in print tomorrow, May 6! Yes, it’s finally here! I hope you enjoy having the book in your hands soon… I’m really, really happy with it!